He slammed the glass down. "Another, please."

"Bar closes in fifteen, sweetpea."

"Fine. Just give me another drink."

The green demon motioned for the bartender to give the man another drink. "Whatever you're looking for, it's not there."

"I don't care."

"I -"

"And don't tell me I should."

He wearily sat down next to the morose figure. "Then what would you like me to do? And, no, I'm not going to pay your bill for you - so don't ask."

"If I recall, I didn't ask for your help."

"Never said you did. But it's not hard to see that you need some. You're practically wearing a neon sign asking for help."

"If I wanted help, I would have gotten some. Now, could you please leave me to have my last drink in peace?"

Lorne stood. "Fine. If you decide you do want to chat, please come back. I'll give you an unbiased opinion for free."

Fifteen minutes later, the surly patron was leaving with the rest of the stragglers. As he was heading to his car, he tripped. A pair of strong hands steadied him before he was able to fall to the ground.

As soon as he was straightened up, Spike shrugged the hands off. "What are you -" he started as he fluidly swung around, immediately on the defensive. The person behind him was not who - or what - he expected. "What in the bloody hell are you doing here?"

"In L.A. or here specificially?" the young man asked, backing up a couple of steps, jamming his hands into the pockets of his jeans, and straightening his back a bit.

"Both."

"In L.A. to visit my Uncle Rory for the holidays and here specifically because I came to talk to Lorne."

"Why would you bleeding want to do that?"

"Because he's an anagogic demon. He can -"

Spike sighed. "I know what an anagogic demon is, Xander. But what I don't understand is why *you're* here to see him."

"Well, I wanted him to read me."

"Still haven't answered the question, mate."

"Just wanted to get a sense of 'now what' since we've hit a pretty big lull after defeating the First Evil." Xander cocked an eyebrow. "So, what are you doing here?"

"It's a long story."

"I've got time."

"You don't want to hear it."

"You'd be surprised. Besides, it's good to see someone that's not a blood relation - even if it is you. Since you were at the 'almost wedding', I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."

"Yeah - I get your drift." Spike pulled out a cigarette and lit it. After taking a drag and blowing the smoke out through his nose, he said, "So why didn't I see you in there?" He jerked his head towards the karoke bar.

Xander shrugged. "You seemed a little too intent on becoming intimate with the contents of a bottle of whiskey."

Spike gave him a wry smile. "Well, you're not wrong."

"So, you gonna tell me your story or not?"

"What? Here in the parking lot?"

Xander shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

"Are you mad? We're in an open area - *at night* - and in a city. I'm sure you can do the math."

"Oh. Right. Well, I know a diner nearby - if you want to go there."

"Only if you promise not to stake me - no matter what I say."

Xander sighed. "I can't honestly agree to that - with everything that we've been through. But I'll honestly try not to."

Spike nodded approvingly. "I can live with that. And a diner's as good a place as any. Where's your car?"

"Over there." Xander pointed to it. "Yours?"

"Over there," Spike mumbled, jerking with his chin to the other side of the lot, just before taking the cigarette out of his mouth and blowing a pillar of smoke up towards the sky. "So, I'll follow you?"

"Sure." Xander took his hands out of his pockets and pulled out his car keys.

Spike exhaled the last bit of smoke as he ground the butt out on the asphalt with the toe of his boot. "Right, then. Come on and let's get this over with."

As soon as they were settled in the diner, Xander asked, "So what are you doing in L.A., Spike?" as he fiddled with his fork for a moment before resting it on the plate next to his piece of pecan pie a la mode.

"Came to see Angel," Spike replied as he leaned against the back of his side of the booth and laid one arm along the back and played with his full coffee mug with his other hand, watching its movements. "Wanted to see what he could tell me about this whole soul business."

"Why? So you could find a loophole and get it taken care of?"

Spike's questioning gaze shot up to meet Xander's penetrating one. "What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean? I got that soul *on* *my* *own*."

"And why did you?" He began fiddling with his fork again, but leveled his gaze on Spike. "I don't think you ever told us." He took a bite of the pie.

"What is this? The bleeding Spanish Inquisition? I got it for Buffy, you git. I wanted to be what she needed."

Xander practically choked. "After everything that you've done? You should be thankful she hasn't staked you yet."

"You have no idea, Harris." Spike took a sip of his coffee. "And I'd help her in a heartbeat."

"Then why haven't you?"

"I don't know. I guess because I've got some penance to do first. But if that's what she'd want, I'd do it for her. But you ain't exactly her knight-in-shining-armor either, Harris."

"I'd be better than you."

"Oh, really now? You couldn't handle her. You *can't* handle her. You don't have the strength. You don't understand what she's been through."

"Oh, and what?" Xander's voice started to rise in volume. "Only fucked up vampires with souls can? Then, please, by all means - turn me and soul me. At least then I'd have a chance."

"You wouldn't want that, mate. It's too much sodding trouble." Spike reached for a cigarette, but stopped, remembering the 'no smoking' policy, and took a sip of coffee instead. "I'm only looking out for you, Harris. I know you'd go to the ends of the earth for her - we all would - but with her bein' the Slayer, she's not gonna always want it nice and soft. And the times she doesn't - hell, I think I've *still* got marks that are healing."

Over the diner's stereosystem, which was a jukebox at every booth and along the counter, a new song started playing. "Last Christmas / I gave you my heart / But the very next day you gave it away."

As the words started, Spike buried his head in his hands with a sniff.

"Oh, c'mon, Spike. You can't be that much of a wuss now that you've gotten your soul back that you can't even listen to a mushy Christmas song."

"It's not that," Spike mumbled. He took his hands away from his face. "You ever have one of those songs where you feel like that's you perfectly? Well, this is one of mine."

"With Buffy?" Xander asked before taking another bite of pie.

"No. With Angel." Spike sighed and took a sip of coffee. "I came up here last year about this time to see if he could get me straightened out - or at least knew of someone who could. He couldn't, and didn't, but we ended up having a one-night stand."

"So?"

"He threw me out the next chance he got."

"Still not caring here, Spike."

"You don't have to care, Harris, as long as you don't stake me. Just let me finish, okay? I don't think I've ever totally gotten over loving him. That night was like a dream come true. I came back this year, hoping that he could help me with the problems I'm still having with adjusting to my soul now that all the evil shite is over and to see if we could get back together. But no such luck on either count - he laughed at me and then threw me out - literally. So, that's my story. Now, why are you really here, Harris? The soul hasn't dulled my razor-sharp intuition. And, besides, doesn't your Uncle Rory live in Sunnyhell?"

"I'm not telling you anything." Xander shoved another forkful of pie in his mouth.

"Fine by me," Spike said nonchalantly, taking a sip of coffee. "But I'm not the one who -"

Xander swallowed. "Fine. Yes, my Uncle Rory lives in Sunnydale. And I came up here to sort things out."

"See, that wasn't so bad."

"With you it is."

"So, what did you have to sort out? You seem to have the best life of the lot."

Xander snorted. "And being the normal one doesn't come with its own set of issues. Let's see -" he began counting things off on his fingers, "the track record of my love life is a disaster. While I really enjoy my work with my crew, it isn't always as fulfilling as I would like it to be. I'm having feelings of inadequacy when I go on patrol with Buffy because *I'm* supposed to be the strong one and yet she can hurt me with her little pinkie." His eyes hardened as he looked up at Spike. "And why am I telling you this?"

"Because practically no one else would understand and those that would you don't think would want to listen to you."

"They don't."

"You sure about that?"

"Positive."

"For a bunch of supposedly "best friends" you lot are rather isolationistic. You're all too wrapped up in your own problems to either seek help or to help each other. The only time you ever do is when someone else smacks you upside the head with it."

"Then what do you suggest I do, Mr. All-knowing?"

Spike let out an exasperated sigh. "Do I need to brand it into your forehead? Go back and talk to the others." He let out a snort. "At least when I'm dealing with other vampires, I know the machoism is just posturing."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Let your guard down and let them in. It'll be better for all of you that way."

"So what? They can see that I'm just a weakling who needs protection?"

"You're stronger than you think."

"Right. I think a little too much alcohol has gone to your brain."

"Think about it. Ethan's little Halloween scam. Getting Red to step down from destroying the world."

"But that's only been twice."

"Not to mention all the hours you've logged researching. Plus the two summer details - first when Buffy had run away and then when she died. And all the regular patrols with her."

"That still doesn't mean -"

"Will you stop trying to contradict me for a moment? No one gives a rat's ass because you don't think you're important enough. If people only knew what you've done, they'd be in awe - if they still didn't immediately try to wipe the idea out of their minds that all the nasties really do exist."

Xander pushed his forgotten, and now unwanted, pie out of the way. "But that doesn't help me in the love department."

"Yeah, well," Spike shrugged his eyebrows as he drained his coffee mug. "Most of them aren't worth it."

A second passed before Xander responded and when he did, he sounded very bitter. "And I'm sure you'd know - considering you've slept with most of them."

"Hey! Now that's -"

Xander's voice had lowered in volume and become hard, with a razor sharp edge to it. "What was it like, Spike? How did you like fucking Anya?"

Spike looked down into his now empty mug before replying. "There's no right answer to that, is there?"

"I want an answer."

When Spike looked up, there was a deadly look in Xander's eyes. "C'mon, then. Outside." Spike stood and threw a few bills on the table.

"What?!"

"Outside."

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Yeah, well, I can see you want a fight. And there's no way it's going to happen in here."

"I don't want a fight."

"I think you do. And, either way, we should go. People're starting to stare. So *come* *on*." Spike grabbed the collar of Xander's jacket and hauled him up and out of the diner.

"What is wrong with you?" Xander asked, stopping in his tracks when they hit the pavement of the parking lot.

"A lot of things, but at least I'm not letting them eat away at me."

"What are you suggesting?"

"That you can't let things go, Harris."

"I too can let things go."

"Then why haven't you let Anya?"

"I've let her go."

"I don't think you have. Is it because she specifically slept with me? Or is it because I've had the dumb luck to have both Anya and Buffy? And you let Anya go and never had a chance with Buffy except in your dreams. Believe me, I never wanted things to happen like this."

"Why, you little -" Xander's face was red with rage. He swung at Spike, but missed completely and whirled around. When he was facing Spike again, he was crying. "How did a bastard like you get so lucky?" he got out between sobs.

"Trust me, this isn't luck." Spike sighed, closing the distance between him and the human. "C'mon, let's get you back to your hotel." Spike put his arm around Xander's shoulders and steered him to the DeSoto. "You're in no shape to drive. Let's hope it's safe enough here for the night. Where are you staying?"

"The Bellview," Xander sniffed, still not finished crying.

"Right then." Spike bundled Xander into the DeSoto before getting into the driver's seat. As he started the engine, the radio came on - playing a different spot of the same song that had been on in the diner not long before.

"I keep my distance / But you still catch my eye / Tell me baby / Do you recognize me? / Well / It's been a year / It doesn't surprise me"

"What is it with this bloody song?" Spike asked.

"Don't look at me," Xander said. "You're the one with all the weird connotations."

Spike changed stations as he backed the car out and headed for the Bellview. "You know, I really thought you'd gotten better."

"About what?"

"Lots of things. You and Anya seemed to be working things out. You were practically civil to me for a while there."

"Well, things changed when Anya decided to introduce me to her new boyfriend one day. And I was only really being civil to you for Buffy's sake, since she seems to like you so much."

"That explains some things. I was wondering who the new scent was."

"You bastard! You knew and didn't say anything?"

"It was kinda hard not to with vampiric smelling and all that. But what could I do? Wasn't my place to tell. Besides, what was I going to say? 'Hey, mate, the girl you're trying to reconcile with is going out with someone new'?"

"It would have been nice to know that." He let out a shaky breath and Spike knew he had started crying again. "How long before she told me?"

"Maybe a month."

After a moment of silence, Spike glanced over at Xander, who was staring out the window, with his jaw set and the hand resting against the window clenched in a fist. In the passing street lamps, he could see tears streaking down the human's cheeks.

"Don't expect me to say anything cliche," he remarked as he pulled into the parking lot of the motel.

Xander's voice was deviod of emotion when he replied, "Don't worry, I'm not."

"So, c'mon. Where's your room?"

"I don't need a babysitter."

"And you're in terrible shape."

"It's not the first time."

"C'mon. We're not staying in the car all night."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I like you well enough. And maybe I'm being a little selfish in hoping this'll work to even the score a bit. I'll leave as soon as you're asleep. Promise."

Seeing he wasn't going to win, Xander sighed and got out of the car. He led Spike to his room, which was a few doors away. "Do you need an invitation?" he asked as he unlocked the door.

"Shouldn't. You don't live here."

"Right." He opened the door and walked in, leaving Spike to follow of his own accord.

Xander headed straight for the bathroom to clean up. While waiting, Spike sat down on the bed and began playing with the clock radio on the bedside table. He stopped immediate when Xander came out a bit later, wearing a pair of sweats and a tshirt and his hair wet and curling slightly at the edges and sat down next to him.

"Feel any better?" Spike asked.

"No." There was a moment or two of silence. "There's just too much going on in here." He gestured vaguely to his head.

Spike was at a loss for what to do. Then he did the only thing he could think of - he kissed him. Xander's first reaction was to kiss back and then reality seemed to sink in and he quickly pulled away.

"What the hell was that?" he asked.

"Just trying to help, mate. Couldn't think of anything else to do. Make you forget for a while and maybe relax you enough to sleep."

"I don't even want to know how your brain came up with that logic."

"Well, it made sense to me."

Xander let out a sigh of frustration and stood.

As Xander started pacing, Spike asked, "So, did it work?"

"Yes. NO! I mean -" He sat down again on the bed and propped his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands.

Just then the alarm went off, setting the radio off. Another spot of the same song came on. "Now I know what a fool I've been / But if you kissed me now / I know you'd fool me again"

"This isn't funny any more," Spike said. "Forget what I just did."

"And I was just about to give you an 'A' for effort."

"What?"

Xander leaned across Spike and turned off the radio and the alarm. Before straighten up, he captured Spike's lips with his own. This time, it was Spike's turn to pull away quickly.

"What's wrong?" Xander asked, bewildered.

"I never took you for a poof."

"Consider this a learning experience for both of us then - since I actually liked kissing you."

"And does it help push everything aside?" Spike asked as he watched Xander turn towards him and nervously lick his lips.

"I think so. But there's only one way to find out."

Spike just nodded as he quickly licked his lips before kissing Xander again. The kiss was slow and soft, and seemed to go on forever. When Xander finally pulled away to catch his breath, Spike said, "You don't have to be all soft with me. I'm not gonna break."

"I know. It's just that I've never done this before and I'm kinda nervous."

Spike ran a hand down Xander's arm. "Don't worry. You're doing fine."

"Good. Can I kiss you again?"

"You can do whatever you want, pet. This is about you. I want tonight to be my present to you."

"Why?"

"Honestly - I don't know. But maybe it could be just what you need."

After a few more minutes of kissing, this time open-mouthed, and light touchs on chests and arms, Spike began trailing kisses down Xander's neck. Xander involuntarily hissed and Spike jerked back.

"Am I hurting you? Making you uncomfortable?" he asked quickly.

"No, it's just -" Xander looked down and began worrying his hands. "Am I supposed to be aroused by this?"

"Yes. It's perfectly natural." He decided to not give Xander his normal leer as he asked, "How would you like to deal with it?"

"I don't know. What can we do?"

"Lots of stuff - probably even including about half of the Kama Sutra. Blow jobs, wank each other off, up the ass..."

"What do you prefer?"

"Well, it depends on the mood I'm in."

"And right now?"

"Whatever you want."

"I don't know what I want. I just know that I've got all this energy and I don't know how to get rid of it."

"So it sounds like it's going to either be me giving you a good blow job or you fucking me into the mattress. Which would you prefer?"

"Well, I've never done another guy up the ass, so..."

"Let's try that, then."

"Then hold on for a bit. I need to go get some lube."

"You brought lube with you?" Xander looked a bit shocked.

"Yeah." Spike looked a bit indignant. "I thought Angel and I were going to - you know. But I think that this is a much better use for it. Don't move. I'll be right back." He propped the door open and ran out to his car and, after rummaging through his bag for a moment, came back with the lube and shut the door securely behind himself. He quickly and appreciatively noted that Xander hadn't moved and was watching him expectantly. There was also a rather tantalizing bulge in his sweat pants. Spike had to admit that he hadn't been totally immune to arousal - only that he had been able to hide it better. When he reached the bed, he sat down and kissed Xander again, this time kneading one of his upper thighs as well.

Xander reflexively moaned and then pulled away. "I, uh, need to get off."

"Okay, then." Spike handed him the lube.

"What do I do with it?"

"Same thing you would do with Anya. Or were you more vanilla with her than it seemed?"

"Oh. No, we did that. Condom?"

"Don't need one. I'm dead, remember? Can't carry STDs."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"And just so you know, this doesn't mean that I love you - or even remotely like you - now."

"I know. We're both doing what we've gotta do to move on. Okay, let's get this over with." Spike quickly disrobed, tossing his clothes on the floor, and rolled over onto his stomach and put an extra pillow underneath his hips.

Xander just stared at him for a moment before disrobing as well. He actually wasn't bad looking. He quickly and mindlessly prepped both of them, the familiar motions on his own cock bringing it the rest of the way to attention. Without hesitation or warning, he thrust himself into Spike. The pace he set was hard and fast, at least for him at any rate, and there was no love or lust driving the act, just a deep-seated need for release and possibly even a little vengence as well, which Spike easily kept pace with.

But at the same time, he was surprised at how good it felt to have his cock buried in Spike's ass. Spike seemed to know exactly how to move to give him maximum enjoyment. He wasn't sure how much longer he could last. It was definitely a pleasant surprise - even though after this, he was going back to being straight.

Spike reflexively moaned from time to time. Xander was quite good, for someone who had only had experience with one woman. As they moved, he rubbed his aching cock the best he could against the pillow, hoping the friction would help him come. He dared not ask Xander for help, knowing that this was more for the human than for himself. And, as it was, he didn't think he could hold on much longer.

A few thrusts later, Xander came in Spike, the force of which sent Spike over the edge onto the pillow. When they had both finished and Xander had become soft again, he pulled himself out and laid next to Spike, pulling the covers over both of them.

"Do you feel better now?" Spike asked, turning to him.

"Actually, yes," Xander replied sleepily.

"Good. Now get some sleep." Spike kissed his forehead before reaching over him to turn off the light.

"You can stay the night - if you want," was the last thing Xander murmured before drifting into sleep.

When Xander awoke the next morning, Spike was already up, dressed, and sitting in the extra chair, watching him. They just stared at each other for a moment, neither sure how to break the silence.

"Are all of your one-night stands usually like this the next morning?" Xander asked.

"No, I'm usually getting kicked out at the next possible moment," Spike replied calmly. "C'mon, we better go get your car."

"Right." Xander quickly got up and dressed, then followed Spike out to his car. When they pulled into the diner parking lot and found Xander's car to be fine, Xander asked, "So, now what?"

"What do you want to do?" Spike replied.

"I don't know. I think I need to sort this out too."

"Fair enough. How much longer you planning on being here?"

"Probably the end of the week."

"Well, I'm going back now. How about when you get back, we see how things go and go from there."

"Sounds as good a plan as any."

"Right, then."

"Thanks - for last night."

"You're welcome."

Xander quickly got out of the car and watched Spike drive off before getting into his car and driving back to the hotel. He wasn't any closer to figuring anything out, but he definitely felt better.